What does it take to be Pakistan coach?

Be in touch with your softer side, but don't be afraid to take an eye for an eye when needed

"... And if anyone has a problem, I'm only too happy to put them over my knee and spank them" © AFP

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What does the ideal candidate for coach of the Pakistan cricket team look like?

First and foremost, he is actually a she. I envisage a stocky little thing, clad in an elegant shalwar-kameez, with deceptively strong hands, and a faint whiff of garlic, ginger and menopause. Pakistani men are second only to Italians when it comes to loving their mothers. A nurturing, commanding maternal figure would immediately quell the rank indiscipline that has afflicted the side for two decades.

To avoid accusations of regional bias, she has a mother from Lahore, a father from Karachi, and a husband from Peshawar (who himself has four lines of lineage: a separate tribal affiliation from each grandparent). She has done voluntary work for an NGO in Balochistan, is politically neutral on Kashmir, and went to boarding school in England. Just to be safe, she bans Punjabi and Pashto from the dressing room and enrolls the entire squad for Esperanto classes.

She has interned at Barcelona's famous La Mastia football academy, where she was in charge of new eight-year-old recruits. Thus she knows how to train hyper-talented sportsmen with little education and a penchant for silliness, bullying and speaking without thinking.

To address the team's chronic issues with diet and fitness, she has a PhD in nutrition. She can make a mean tofu nihari and chicken tikka ravioli.

Her living room has four dart-boards on the wall, with the bellies of Inzamam, Ranatunga and the old Samit Patel pictured around the bull's eye and a Mughal-esque miniature of Ijaz Butt riding a horse off a cliff as the centrepiece: I am painting a picture, after all, of an ideal world.

Her bedside table reading includes Bob Woolmer's The Art and Science of Cricket, Mike Brearley's The Art of Captaincy, Mohammed Hanif's new novel and Hanif Mohammad's autobiography. She has never read a book about Imran Khan and she never will.

Her interest in cricket is forensic and obsessive, but she also finds time for other sources of mental advancement. As the ideal coach she is a demon poker player (she can read a man), a keen gardener (she can read a pitch), and her favourite film is Any Given Sunday (she can read subtitles when Al Pacino does his trademark shouting act).

She also once went to Saudi Arabia and studied the legal system for a while, just for fun. (She is an eccentric in the extreme. You don't have to be mad to do this job but... no, actually you do.) Her curiosity was piqued by the practice of chopping off the hands of thieves. For this reason her first act on being appointed coach is to pay a visit to Salman Butt. She goes ostensibly for talks about a comeback, and comes back with a severed left hand adorned with gaudy jewellery acquired in Dubai. She shoves a stake through the hand and hangs it over the gates of Gaddafi Stadium. She renames Gaddafi Stadium the Al Pacino Stadium.

Finally, our ideal coach has a sense of humour. She will need it. Let me remind all Page 2 readers, particularly those who fit the above profile, that the Pakistan Cricket Board is currently accepting applications. Failing that, we can always just get Javed Miandad in drag.

Imran Yusuf lives in Karachi and works for the Express Tribune

Family tons, and Australia's West Indian

Ten-wicket double-hundreds, winning after conceding big, Bradman's centuries, and Lawry's leg-befores

How many father-son combinations have made centuries in Test matches? asked Firdaus Mohandas from India
This one was presumably inspired by Shaun Marsh's fine debut ton in the second Test between Sri Lanka and Australia in Pallekele last week: his father Geoff Marsh scored four hundreds in his 50-Test career, which stretched from 1985-86 to 1991-92. The Marshes are the tenth father-and-son combination to make Test centuries. That counts India's illustrious Amarnaths as two instances - father Lala scored India's first Test hundred, in Bombay in 1933-34, while his sons Mohinder (11) and Surinder (just one) made Test tons too. The other family double acts are Stuart and Chris Broad (England), Walter and Richard Hadlee (New Zealand), Hanif and Shoaib Mohammad (Pakistan), Vijay and Sanjay Manjrekar (India), Nazar Mohammad and Mudassar Nazar (Pakistan), Dave and Dudley Nourse (South Africa), and the Nawabs of Pataudi senior (for England) and junior (India).

I read somewhere once that a black man, of West Indian origin perhaps, played a Test match for Australia in the late 1800s. Is this right? It seems an incredible story in the era of the White Australia policy, asked Bernhard Sayer via Facebook
The man concerned was Sam Morris, who played one Test for Australia, against England in Melbourne in 1884-85, after the entire XI from the previous match withdrew in a dispute over payments. After taking two wickets (England's captain Arthur Shrewsbury and Billy Barnes) with his medium-pacers, Morris opened Australia's first innings but was out for 4. When they followed on, he went in at No. 10 and made 10 not out as the weakened side slipped to a ten-wicket defeat: the dispute was resolved after this, and Morris never played for Australia again. Morris was born in Tasmania - it seems likely that his parents arrived from the West Indies during the mid-19th century gold rush - and played club cricket in Melbourne, where he represented Victoria for around a decade. Morris was also the groundsman at the St Kilda club in Melbourne, continuing there until, sadly, he went blind in 1901. He died in 1931, aged 76. I'm not a historian but I think the "White Australia" policy was instituted later, perhaps around the time of the federation of Australia in 1901.

Pakistan recently scored 228 to win a one-day international against Zimbabwe by 10 wickets. Is this the highest score to win without losing a wicket? asked Hemant Kher from the United States
There's only one higher score to win a one-day international by 10 wickets than Pakistan's 228 for 0 in Harare last week, and it happened earlier this year during the World Cup: Sri Lanka marmalised England in their quarter-final in Colombo, zooming past a total of 229 with more than 10 overs to spare, finishing with 231 for 0. There are three other instances of the team batting second scoring 200 or more to win an ODI by 10 wickets, two by West Indies (against Pakistan in Melbourne in the 1992 World Cup, and v India in Bridgetown in 1996-97) and one by India, in a rain-affected match against New Zealand in Hamilton in March 2009.

What is the highest first-innings lead conceded by any team which then went on to win the Test? asked Kalaikovan Ramamurthy from India
Strictly speaking, the answer here is 331, which was Pakistan's first-innings lead over England at The Oval in 2006 (they scored 504 to England's 173) in the match they were later considered to have forfeited after refusing to play on being accused of ball-tampering. But that's obviously a peculiar case: the biggest deficit overturned to win a Test in the normal way is 291, by Australia (256) against Sri Lanka (547 for 8 dec) in Colombo in August 1992. That was the match in which the young Shane Warne made his first major impact on international cricket: Sri Lanka, set 181 to win, were 127 for 2 before collapsing to 164 all out to lose by 16 runs, with Warne taking 3 for 11.

Only six countries played Test cricket during Don Bradman's Test career. Did he score hundreds against all of Australia's five opponents? asked Francisco Beyer from Chile
Don Bradman never scored a century against New Zealand, because he never played a Test against them (the only one during his career that he might have played was the lop-sided encounter in Wellington in 1945-46, which was not really thought of as a Test match at the time, but he missed that tour). Bradman's 52 Tests comprised 37 against England, in which he scored a staggering 5028 runs, with 19 centuries (still easily records for Ashes matches). He also played one home series - five Tests each time - against the other three Test teams of the day, scoring 447 runs (with two hundreds) against West Indies in 1930-31; 806, with four hundreds, against South Africa in 1931-32 (his average then was 201.50); and 715, with four more centuries, against India in 1947-48. As an aside I think that's our first question ever from Chile!

Following on from last week's question about Javed Miandad's lbws, I once heard Tony Greig joke to Bill Lawry that Bill was never out lbw in a Test in Australia. Is this true? asked Rino Luppino from Australia
Tony Greig is usually pretty nifty with his stats, and he's quite right on this one: Bill Lawry was out exactly 50 times during his 30 home Tests for Australia between 1962-63 and 1970-71 - and he was never given out lbw in any of them (he was caught 38 times, bowled 10 times, and run out and stumped once each). Bill, I'm sure, would reply that it showed what a good player he was! But Australian umpires were a bit reluctant to give leg-before decisions back then: in the 1970-71 Ashes series - Lawry's last before being controversially axed, as captain and player - not one Australian batsman was given out lbw in any of the six Tests (England still came out on top, winning 2-0 in the end). Bill Lawry was out lbw seven times in 37 overseas Tests, including twice in his first series, to Tony Lock and Brian Statham in England in 1961.

Gayle uncertain about his future in WI cricket

Bridgetown: Beleaguered opener Chris Gayle has admitted he is unsure about his future in West Indies cricket.

The former Windies captain, who has been ignored by selectors ever since his return from the Indian Premier League in April, says he has heard nothing from selectors with the Test and one-day squad set to be announced shortly for the imminent tour of Bangladesh.

Chris Gayle has been ignored by the selectors ever since his return to West Indies after IPL-4.

A West Indies Cricket Board release this week said players selected for the Bangladesh tour had been invited to the training camp held here at the High Performance Centre to prepare alongside the Twenty20 squad which heads to England next week for a two-match series.

Gayle said he had not been informed about the camp.

"I am available whenever I am needed. I have pointed out to them (WICB) that I am available for West Indies cricket. There is a camp (going on) but nothing has been said to me," Gayle said during a television interview in Jamaica this week.

No team has been announced yet for the tour of Bangladesh which includes one Twenty20, three One-Day Internationals and two Tests from October 7 to November 2.

Gayle is currently in India, where he will turn out for Royal Challengers Bangalore in the Champions League Twenty20, set to start Monday and end October 9.

The giant left-hander has been involved in an impasse with the WICB over comments he made in a highly charged interview with a Jamaica radio station back in April.

At the time, the Board indicated that Gayle would have to explain his comments before he could be considered for selection for the series against India in June/July, but a June meeting in Jamaica involving Gayle, WICB and West Indies Players Association officials, failed to resolve the matter.

Gayle said he had since met privately with WICB chief executive Ernest Hilaire last month in Antigua and ironed out the issue.

"It was a good productive meeting. Myself and the CEO actually together sat down and had a fair and frank discussion with each other," Gayle said.

"He pointed out�the problems he had with me which we actually sorted out."

Gayle claims he was told by Hilaire following the meeting that he would be contacted by coach Ottis Gibson and chairman of selectors Clyde Butts.

In a subsequent telephone call, Gayle said Gibson had asked him to publicly retract comments he had made during the radio interview, but he reiterated to the Windies coach that he was standing by what he had said.

"Then he (Gibson) said basically he would actually write a report on what our conversation was, send it to the CEO and eventually they will get back to me after that," Gayle explained.

"That's the last time I had a conversation with any particular one from the Board and that is how things have played out at this point in time."

Despite the cloud of uncertainty surrounding Gayle's career, the hard-hitting batsman said he had no immediate plans on quitting the sport, and becoming a Twenty20 specialist.

"I have not reached the stage of retiring as yet. I still have a lot of cricket to play, internationally as well," he stressed.

Slow bowlers take Kolkata to dramatic win

Auckland v Kolkata Knight Riders, CLT20 qualifier, Hyderabad

Kolkata Knight Riders 121 for 6 (Bisla 45, Kallis 33, Mills 2-24) beat Auckland Aces 119 for 6 (Vincent 40, Yusuf 2-21) by two runs
Scorecard and ball-by-ball details
How they were out

Kolkata Knight Riders edged out Champions League debutants Auckland Aces, successfully defending 121 in the sides' first qualifier. Kolkata ran away with 72 for 0 in the first nine overs before the tenacious Auckland side pulled the game back, conceding just 49 runs in the remaining 11. Lou Vincent then scored 30 of his 40 runs in boundaries, even threatening a huge net run-rate advantage, but his run-out was followed by two wickets in three balls from Yusuf Pathan. The squeeze by Kolkata's slower bowlers, who went for 66 in their 14 overs, left Auckland 22 to get off the last two. Andre Adams hit Jacques Kallis for a straight six to get 11 off the 19th, but Brett Lee's yorkers proved too good for him and Kyle Mills.

The game was full of turnarounds. The first one came after Manvinder Bisla and Kallis got Kolkata's campaign off to a smashing start. The inside-out shot over extra cover was a favourite for both, and Bisla was especially harsh on Chris Martin who bowled Test lengths to begin with. Bisla found them easy to pull and drive on the up. The left-arm seamer Michael Bates brought some control with his angle and extra bounce, and in his second over he produced a leading edge from Bisla.

Left-arm spinner Ronnie Hira and Martin then choked the runs a bit, and Kolkata started playing imprudent shots. Kallis would later say they had over-aimed. Yusuf was the first to show frustration, slogging all around a straight Adams delivery. Kallis fell next when he followed a spell of nine balls for seven runs with a heave straight to deep square leg. Two balls later, Manoj Tiwary slogged too, and the stumps lay splayed again. A couple of run-outs followed, and Kolkata never managed a final charge. Bates finished with figures of 4-0-13-1.

The run-out virus carried forward into the chase as Martin Guptill ran himself out without even facing a delivery. The decisive one, though, was yet to come. Before that, Vincent drove, cut and pulled with aplomb to take Auckland to 48 in six, bringing the asking-rate down to 5.28. Rajat Bhatia, now famous in Indian domestic Twenty20 competitions for his slow, rolling legcutters, and Yusuf bowled the next three overs for 12 runs. The last ball of those three featured impatience from Vincent, who charged off after hitting straight to cover, and couldn't make it back from eight yards.

Yusuf then bowled two full deliveries on the pads that hardly turned, but Jimmy Adams and Rob Quiney somehow managed two leading edges, and Yusuf had two caught-and-bowled dismissals in the space of three balls. Another left-hand batsman, Colin Munro, scratched around for 19 off 29 before leaving Auckland an improbable task in the last two.

The pitch was slow, the bowlers were steady, but neither of them or the combination thereof was unplayable. Somehow, though, faced with accurate bowling and alert fielding, Auckland allowed themselves to be pushed into a corner until the required-rate reached 11 for the last two. Kallis then bowled his first over, removing Munro first ball and watching the second sail over the straight boundary. Mills and Adams ran hard, but Lee produced a good last over to give Kolkata a crucial win on a day when they didn't play exceptional cricket.

Innings Dot balls 4s 6s Powerplay 16-20 overs NB/Wides Kolkata Knight Riders 49 12 1 46/0 24/2 0/1 Auckland 54 10 2 48/1 32/1 1/1

 

Clarke bats Australia into strong position

Sri Lanka v Australia, 3rd Test, Colombo, 5th day

 

Australia 316 and 303 for 4 (Hughes 126, Clarke 71*, Hussey 21*, Herath 4-91) lead Sri Lanka 473 by 146 runs
Live scorecard and ball-by-ball details

A captain's innings from Michael Clarke all but snuffed out Sri Lanka's hopes of victory at the SSC in Colombo, where Australia's lead had swollen to 146 runs at lunch on the final day. A draw would be enough for Australia to take the series 1-0, and to prevent that scenario Sri Lanka needed to force a collapse straight after the break and then chase a target.

The hosts needed several wickets in the first session but they only managed one, when Rangana Herath picked up his fourth victim, the centurion Phillip Hughes, who added just four runs to his overnight score. Hughes fell for 126 when he top-edged a sweep off Herath but none of the other bowlers looked like breaking through as Clarke and Michael Hussey aimed to put the game beyond Sri Lanka's reach.

At lunch, Clarke was unbeaten on 71 and Hussey had 21, and their partnership had reached 83 as Australia batted on to 303 for 4. Clarke was especially impressive, batting precisely the way a captain should in such circumstances, first and foremost guarding his wicket fiercely, but also ticking the scoreboard over to add to Sri Lanka's problems.

At one point, he was 24 from 80 deliveries, but he lifted his rate as the session wore on, twice advancing down the pitch to Herath to drive him down the ground for six. The second of those sixes brought up Clarke's half-century from his 97th ball, and the boundaries kept coming against some lacklustre seam bowling.

It has been 18 months since Clarke's last Test hundred, but triple figures was within sight by lunch, as Australia aimed to push their lead up past 200 and completely eliminate Sri Lanka's hopes of victory. And should Clarke achieve that, it will have been a fine way to mark his first series as Australia's Test captain.